Signs of autism in my childhood that I didn't understand until now (Part 1)

As a kid, our thinking is very limited. We have not yet lived as adults, so we don't have perspective with age and experience. Being able to see the greater picture, isn't always possible for a child. When we do specific things as children, there isn't usually an explanation to us as to why we do that thing or what reason we do it. 

Looking back now, as an adult, I see and understand so much more why I did some of the things I did. I can also recognize now what my child self needed to do in order to cope in certain situations and when presented with things that I didn't know how to process, but at the time I didn't know I was doing just that.

My mom has pointed out some things from earlier than my memory can remember, that we wonder now, if those were signs. They're difficult for me to explain in text, we'd have to show you. 

My earliest memories are sensory related. Some of these things are really embarrassing for me to admit that I did/do, so please know that this was really hard for me to write out for the public eye. I just want to share some of my signs and experiences in case it comforts anyone similar or helps raise awareness.

I had a very specific preference for material that was worn and had "pills" on them. Ya know, the little fuzzballs that accumulate all over certain materials? I had some items that I wanted to be able to rub them or pick at them. It brought me a lot of comfort and security. It was typically old worn shirts or pillow cases made out of this special material. To this day, those materials are still my favorite, however I've outgrown the rubbing and picking the pills.

There were specific folding chairs that I also loved to rub because of the texture of the cushion and the texture and coldness of the legs. They were often stacked in the corner of the gym at my school where my dad also taught, so when I'd be waiting to go home, my sisters and I would play by the chairs and that's when I'd enjoy the way they felt.

I used to bite and suck on the inside of my cheeks a lot, because I loved the squishy feeling they had. I would overdo it often and suffered from sores all the time. I rubbed my gums a lot to feel the roots of my teeth. I would push hard and find the edges and rub them repeatedly. I'd bite my lips and bite off skin from them as well as pick and pull skin off with my fingers. I also used to grind my teeth heavily and bite down hard and flex my jaw - is that the right way to describe that? Oh well, anyways, I still do most of these things to this day, I just don't always notice I'm doing it because its such a habitual natural action and I'm just doing it while doing other things.

I would bite my nails to tear them off so they could be stuck between my teeth so I could rub my tongue over it as it stuck out from the crevices of my two front teeth. It had to be JUST right or I'd pick it out and try again with a new nail. I finally outgrew this towards the end of high school, but began again in my early 20s. I do it very rarely, if ever, now.

Another thing I used to do was pick hairs out of my head and eventually I'd pull my eyelashes out. I was obsessed with the way it felt when I'd pull a single hair or lash out. The sensation of it coming out of its's little spot brought me joy and made me feel in control to a degree. I remember overdoing it sometimes and weeks later I'd have little short hairs growing up in the area I'd focus the most on. I knew it didn't look good, so I'd work really hard to hide them til they were long enough to blend in with the rest of my hair. I would also pick at my scalp, especially where the skin was irritated from pulling hairs out. I'd even cause my scalp to bleed!! Sometimes in elementary school, I'd use pencils to poke and rub my scalp to feel similar sensations without pulling the hairs. I pulled hair to a degree, up until a few years ago and even now I do it occasionally when the urge strikes, but its not as often.

I had a couple other things that I really don't feel are appropriate to share, and are quite a bit more embarrassing, so I've decided to keep those things to myself. And that's perfectly fine. I'm allowed some privacy! I also have a lot of things I do today, but I'll save those for another post, maybe even include them in part 2!

Some other things from early on I remember are, as a visual learner, when being explained something new that I wasn't as familiar with, if it was simple enough, I'd air draw it, with my finger. This wasn't super often, but again, with something seemingly simple, I would draw out how it was being explained so I could understand better and remember it. I did this up until 1st grade, when I vividly remember being called out by my teacher who was explaining to us what a bar code was. Since I was sitting up against my desk, I used my pencil I had been holding to air draw it out in front of my face as she told us what it looked like. I was getting deep in visualization and I remember suddenly feeling faces looking at me and seeing my peers staring at me and then the teacher said my name loudly. She must have already said my name. She asked me why I wasn't paying attention and I got very embarrassed and just shrugged and looked down. I was very shy in my early school days. She sent me to the hallway as a punishment and I remember my face getting beet red and once sitting in the hallway, tears didn't stop falling. She came and talked to me eventually and I tried to explain what I was doing and she said that by doing that, I was creating a distraction to others around me. I honestly don't think I ever did it again. I learned how to draw it out in my mind, however, I still struggle to do that fully and definitely do best when things can be visually presented to me, in most scenarios when I'm learning something new.

I have worked really hard over the years to mask and avoid doing these things around people as I realized others didn't do these things, especially after being confronted by peers in school or at church or in the neighborhood, on different occasions. I'd feel super embarrassed and work really hard to hide these things when I felt the urge to do them or when I'd start and then remember it wasn't acceptable to those around me. Often I'd sit and think about how I was avoiding it and it would make me so anxious and I would be stuck in my head about it. This really affected my education, I now believe. I heavily struggled in school. I also replaced some of these stims with new ones that weren't as "obnoxious" as I grew up, especially while around other people. I'll include these in part 2.

Thanks for reading, stay tuned for part 2!