Autism is Me

As a kid, our thinking is very limited. We have not yet lived as adults, so we don't have perspective with age and experience. Being able to see the greater picture, isn't always possible for a child. When we do specific things as children, there isn't usually an explanation to us as to why we do that thing or what reason we do it.  Looking back now, as an adult, I see and understand so much more why I did some of the things I did. I can also recognize now what my child self needed to do in order to cope in certain situations and when presented with things that I didn't know how to process, but at the time I didn't know I was doing just that. My mom has pointed out some things from earlier than my memory can remember, that we wonder now, if those were signs. They're difficult for me to explain in text, we'd have to show you.  My earliest memories are sensory related. Some of these things are really embarrassing for me to admit that I did/do, so please know t

I can't quite remember when I suspected I may have autism, but I do remember that when it came across my mind, I kinda brushed it off as if there's no way I'd actually be autistic. I ended up chalking it up to mental illnesses, too many concussions, results of trauma, Satan, born "stupid", and/or any other number of things. I thought, surely if I was truly autistic, it would have been obvious to my parents and to any of my doctors growing up. Okay, and maybe some of my life choices and past traumas, experiences and/or genetics are huge contributors to mental health issues I struggle with. I do still believe I suffer from some mental illnesses.  It wasn't until a couple people I know and new acquaintances questioned if I was autistic or suggested that maybe I am. That was when the light bulb went on. If other people can see some of the markers from an outside perspective and I can see some from my own perspective, maybe this is something I should dig deeper int

Autism is me. I've only learned this recently. But, now I can see clearly, That it will always be a part of me. As an adult, its easiest to self diagnose, Due to lack of knowledge by the pros. Which is frustrating for me but, understandable I suppose. Its just that difficult situations like this tend to make me morose. Early on things didn't make sense. I always wondered if people saw me as dense. So often things overwhelming my every sense. Masking around others at my own expense. I always found child play to be mundane. Stimming on the daily to stay calm and keep sane. If only a poem could fully explain, The inner workings of my neurodivergent brain. Written by Morgan Lewellen 10.13.2020