Discovery of autistic me.

I can't quite remember when I suspected I may have autism, but I do remember that when it came across my mind, I kinda brushed it off as if there's no way I'd actually be autistic. I ended up chalking it up to mental illnesses, too many concussions, results of trauma, Satan, born "stupid", and/or any other number of things. I thought, surely if I was truly autistic, it would have been obvious to my parents and to any of my doctors growing up. Okay, and maybe some of my life choices and past traumas, experiences and/or genetics are huge contributors to mental health issues I struggle with. I do still believe I suffer from some mental illnesses. 

It wasn't until a couple people I know and new acquaintances questioned if I was autistic or suggested that maybe I am. That was when the light bulb went on. If other people can see some of the markers from an outside perspective and I can see some from my own perspective, maybe this is something I should dig deeper into. Having been on an immense personal development path over the last several years, healing and growing are huge on my priorities. I have constantly been working towards how to deal with specific issues I face daily or frequently in life and well, if autism could explain a lot of those things, it would be a huge relief to have an answer. 

Over the last year I've been verbally brainstorming with Cole, my partner, about issues I've had my whole life, issues I struggle with today, comparisons to the majority of people I know, comparisons with other people who have autism, and other people who have mental illnesses. Comparing isn't really something I am proud of or encourage, but I do think in a sense, its helpful in some instances. 

This year, my best friend got me a book that I had been interested in, "I Think I Might Be Autistic" by Cynthia Kim. It took me a few months to actually open it up and read it, mostly out of fear. My fears around all of this have been, if I'm autistic what will change and how will people see me? Also, if I'm not actually autistic, what the HELL is wrong with me?! Do I really just have a long list of mental illnesses and issues with no real explanation as to why? Is it all related to my concussions and am I just doomed for life with these issues? See... I could keep going. The fears are really more just worries, but I get caught up in my head. 

I finally read the book. I took the "assessment". I believe I am autistic. I cried. A LOT. I felt so many reliefs. I was able to forgive myself, people in my life - especially from the past, I felt sorry myself. I was proud of myself. I questioned God. I got a little angry with God. Overall, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and it felt like I put glasses on and could see clearly for the first time. I realized who I was in that moment. I am ME. I am still, me. Autism and me are one in the same. Autism is me. And quite honestly, I am more than okay with who I am. Will I still struggle mentally? Of course! I have other issues I need to tackle still. I am still healing from past wounds and trauma. I am still growing. But to have an idea that I'm not alone in this world with what's on my plate, is refreshing. To know that there's a real reason behind why I am the way that I am... gah, it just overwhelms me with emotion. I suddenly wish I could wrap my arms around the child version of myself. Tell her I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be, that I don't need to compare myself to people because we're all intentionally different. I'd tell her that my calling and my purpose in this world doesn't look like all those other kids' and I would tell her I don't have to apologize all the time for how I functioned in the space I was given on this earth.

It's okay that I was different! It's okay that I didn't like playing games or interacting beyond surface level with kids my age, that I preferred talking and/or listening with people much older than me. Its okay that I was shy. Its okay that I asked a lot of questions. Its okay that I struggled with my body and my sexuality. Its okay that I was observant and stared a lot to make sense of things going on around me. Its okay that I was loud and full of energy that annoyed others. Its okay that I was expected to behave differently and older than I acted. The list goes on.... 

I forgive myself for a lot of self doubt I had and burdens I carried, wondering why I wasn't enough. I forgive others for expecting more from me than I could give, because they didn't know, they didn't understand. And they still won't, but that's okay, because I'll keep forgiving them. But I'm no longer going to work SO hard to mask who I am to meet societal norms. I'm not going to say sorry every time I do or say something, worrying that people will think it was weird or wonder what's wrong with me. I'm going to work hard to be authentically ME. And I truly feel I can do that now, knowing more and more about who I am.

It really is okay, because all of that above, happened in the PAST and I know that I can move forward with confidence now, in who I am. I can seek help for where its needed. I can heal better, knowing exactly what needs the healing. I can connect the dots where there are unfinished parts to the picture in my mind and memories. I've connected to my inner child on a new, deep and profound level. I honestly could not be happier. This realization was so needed. 

Sometimes I question God, "Why now? Why not as a child? Why not as a teen? Why not years ago? I could have been so much better by now!!! I could have had been a pro at coping and dealing with things by this point." But you know what? God's timing is always on time. I could make a lot of assumptions, but I won't voice them because it will all just be guesses. I will just trust the process and have faith that there's a good reason in the bigger picture. Things are falling into place just like He designed and I'm so thankful to have some direction and guidance on this journey, from Him. I believe that part of the timing is because of where I'm at in my self love/discovery journey. I am stronger and more open minded now than ever before. I am more accepting of who I am, even the parts I maybe don't like about myself. 

This was the discovery of autistic me. Thank you for reading!

Written by Morgan Lewellen

10.15.2020